I never thought it would be me.

I try not to get too personal in my blog posts, but my heart has been so heavy the last week or two that I just needed to get it out. I hope that there is at least one person who can identify with me because I don't know exactly how to deal with my emotions. It has literally been the scariest roller coaster of my life and I haven't even begun the real ride. I need encouragement, love, direction, and most importantly, prayer.

I don't know if you've heard these statistics, but here they are. Per the Center for Disease Control (CDC), there are 1.5 million married women between 15 and 44 years old who are infertile, which comes out to 6%. These are the women who have tried to conceive for 12 consecutive months of unprotected sex (source). Am I infertile? No. But Jerry is. The CDC states that 18% of men younger than age 45 have been diagnosed with an infertility problem (source). He had a sperm analysis and the test results told us that he has no sperm. Really? No sperm?? At this point, I'm freaking out a little a lot. I'm sad, angry, confused, and sick just to name a few of my current emotions.Why does he have no sperm?? We don't know the answer and we're not sure if it's worth the efforts to find out. He has a heart condition so it would be risky to put him under just to "look around" and harvest sperm that he could have. You know, those sperm that didn't want to leave their home. I doubt that if this lab test didn't show any that there were still some there. PLUS he had testicle surgery when he was younger so the doctors knew there could be a slim possibility of problems.

Thankfully, we do have other options. I just don't know if any of these can compare to being pregnant with OUR child. That's what's throwing me. Knowing that I can never have a child with both of our genes makes me extremely upset. And it's exhausting to cry over it every time it comes up. All I can do is feel numb. All I can do is tell everyone that I'm "fine" when deep down I'm not.

We're set to meet with a doctor soon to go over these options but we think we know what those entail: artificial insemination (AI) with a donor OR adoption. At first, I was totally opposed to having a sperm donor but if my heart is still set on experiencing pregnancy, that's the only way to do it. We can pick what we want from a donor so even though it would be a stranger, hopefully it would inherit my looks so people don't question if we stole him/her from the hospital.

And then there's adoption. We haven't even begun to delve into it and we're already stressed to the max. It's a lot of freakin' money. A LOT. Going through the State would ensure less money but it wouldn't ensure a baby. They have mainly older children or teens. And I'm sure most moms who can't naturally conceive, turn to adoption wanting a baby. It sucks balls that we have to pay to adopt a kid. You'd think if they really wanted the children away from the State and foster homes, that it would lower and they would have better homes. But the State doesn't think like that unfortunately. Adopting through a private agency is where they squeeze your wallet dry. There were a few I found online that had the fee schedule listed and they totaled around $30K. NO young parents have that kind of money. I don't know what we're going to do.

This is where prayer comes into play. Not only do I need help with my emotional being but we need to figure out which plan is best for us. I want a baby so badly!

I'm hesitant to be writing about this because it's not reason for a pity-party. I don't want my friends and family to feel sorry for us. Yes this is a setback, but we'll be parents one way or the other. I just hate it because so many of my friends and acquaintances are pregnant right now. I'm happy for them but when is it going to be my turn? When will my belly grow and be able to feel kicks and go through the pain of childbirth? It might not be in my cards. I'll have to learn to accept that.


So while I'm at it, I'm going to list reasons why I'm happy to NOT be pregnant. Just roll with me. This is my official attempt to help ease some of the pain.

1. I'll never get stretch marks--other than the occasional few on my lard-like legs. #fatkid

2. I won't have to worry with my hoo-ha getting too stretched out.

3. No morning sickness or exhaustion. Woo!!

4. No uncomfortable sleeping positions. I'm a tummy sleeper til the end.

5. I won't have to miss a ton of work due to OB appointments--although I might have to miss the same amount depending on where our life takes us with the above options.

6. My feet won't grow a size. How horrible would it have been if I had to get rid of my current shoe collection and start from scratch? That's just plain scary.

7. I can actually begin a workout habit--I'M GUILTY! I was waiting to have a child to begin working out. It seemed like double work to start now, get fat with a kid growing inside me, and then have to lose it all over again.

8. I won't have to worry with engorgment. #ouch

9. No swelling or abnormally achey body parts.

10. Maybe whatever gene Jerry has that made him infertile is a blessing in disguise. This ensures that it can't get passed down to our kids.

And in the end, I try to find some humor in the situation and Google finds these for me. (Some of the text is cut off but just scroll past this and I added my favorites)

(source)

Does anyone have any advice they could throw my way? Like I said, I could really use some encouraging words and prayers. Becoming a parent is what I've longed for especially with Jerry. He is everything I've needed in a man. And seeing him as a dad would have made me fall in love with him even more. So now what?