Thursday, September 26

The reason I've been so absent

In the beginning of this blogging journey I told myself that I would try to write a post every single day--maybe not so much on the weekends but at least during the week. I feel like I kept up my part of the deal up until the last couple of weeks. If you remember, Jerry and I have been having infertility issues. I'm the type of person that when I get mad or upset, I am drowning in those emotions for a day and then my mind allows me to go back to "normal" if you want to call it that. So when we found out that Jerry couldn't produce sperm, we were devastated but then quickly went back to life. We didn't talk about it much because we had not decided what to do for the future.

Random thought but I promise it's related...Season 5 of Parenthood premiers tonight and over the weekend I just happened to remember that I was not caught up yet with the previous season. When I pulled up where I left off last, I still had ten episodes to go. I literally spent my entire Sunday afternoon and evening watching them all but one. With all that being said, if you've ever watched the show, you would know that ALL EPISODES are tear-jerkers. A lot of sad tears, some happy tears. But none the less, I found myself crying all the time. And they were all related to my life somehow. The sibling I could most relate to was Julia and her husband Joel. They had been trying to have a second child but found out that she could not have another due to scarring from her first pregnancy. So it was a little rough because I could feel her pain. They ended up adopting a little boy on the last episode but it got me thinking about our situation.

Monday night Jerry and I were talking in bed about what we should do for the future of our family. I keep going back and forth with the whole thing. Yes, I want to experience pregnancy but at the same time I think I'd be okay if we didn't have kids. But then I feel like we might regret it once we're 70 and still living with just the two of us. By then, I'm sure we'd have at least twelve cats. Then say if we decide we do want kids and we just adopt, would I regret not trying to get pregnant by other means? I change my mind every 0.5 seconds so I don't know what to do. Jerry keeps telling me to do what I want, but what if what I really want is to have a sperm donor? He does NOT want a donor so he'd probably hate me forever. And I don't want to do that to our marriage.

I guess I could always try being a surrogate mother. I could experience pregnancy, get paid to do it, and then be able to afford adoption, right? No. That's a horrible idea. I don't know how women handle being a surrogate mother. I know I would be under legal contract, but I just don't know how I would be able to give up that baby. Too much bonding in those nine months. Even if you were the emotionally strongest person in the world, giving up that surrogate child probably turns you into a depressed person!

Does anyone have suggestions on what we should do? I feel like we are leaning more towards adoption but we don't have the money to do it. Does someone have connections for making things go smoother in the process of adoption? I'd love to hear from you if you've been through this experience. I feel like trying to talk to a woman who has been blessed with children is hard to do because they've never been through this kind of heartache, you know?

So THIS has been the reason for me being so absent on the blog lately. TOO much thinking going on ;)

I promise that starting this weekend I will be doing more beauty-related posts. So get ready!

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